1. Yes, daddy was born a boy.
  2. What’s more important, the cat, or your sister? Wait, don’t answer that…
  3. Your insistence on wearing dresses with no underwear makes me worry about your future.
  4. Stop poking that dead frog and giggling! You’re acting like a serial killer.
  5. Why on earth are you licking the sink in a public bathroom?
  6. Life’s too short for you to dedicate this much time to sulking.
  7. I’m wearing sweatpants, not “sweaty panties”. Please don’t mix that up.
  8. Believe me, girlfriend – I am the boss of you in every way possible.
  9. Please find something better to fight about than what to name the ant crawling around in daddy’s car.
  10. You are not allowed to go out in public wearing only a raincoat.
  11. Did you make sure you got all the potato bugs out of your skirt before you came inside?
  12. Don’t be the kid who ruins the dining experience for everyone.
  13. Do not stuff all those goldfish crackers in your mouth at once. I don’t want to do the Heimlich in a brewery.
  14. Seriously, stop licking me. I am not a lollipop.
  15. We don’t shoot babies at the dinner table.
  16. Why is there a sock in the toilet?
  17. Think long and hard about whether this is the hill you want to die over.
  18. Do NOT use your spoon to scratch your [body part omitted to keep this G-rated] at the table. That is wrong for so many reasons.
  19. You don’t need to shove your finger that far up to pick your nose. You’re going to break something.
  20. Don’t throw your goggles in the toilet.
  21. We should all try not to pee in our underwear.